How I’m Dealing with Show Frustration.

DISCLAIMER: This post isn’t going to be super eloquent because I’m really heated and I just want to word vomit this out because I’m feeling all the things and I think maybe some people who feel the same way can benefit from reading this.

I realized this week more than any other week that I’ve been alive that sometimes, theatre can just be really really frustrating. I’m in a show right now called Honeymoon in Vegas at my school, and I was incredibly excited to be a part of the cast. I’ve been rejected from literally every other single show that my school has put on, I think partially because of me but also partially because of the fact that my theatre directors can be pretty biased. I was just cast in the ensemble, but that wasn’t a problem for me because I was just extremely happy to be part of the show. It’s been two weeks since rehearsal started and three people have dropped the show, two of which were featured dancers. Now, in my 17 short years of life, 12 of them were spent studying mainly classical ballet, among other types of dance. I kind of botched my dance audition for this show because I forgot like half of it, so I assumed I wouldn’t be cast as one anyways and I was fine with that. In the first week of rehearsals, the choreographer was impressed at my skills and complimented me a couple times. I pick up choreography pretty fast, and this style of dancing is right up my ally, so when the featured dancers dropped the show, I thought I’d ask the choreographer if I could take one of their places. I told my friend, who was already a lead in the show my plan, and she said to go for it. That night at rehearsal I asked the choreographer and she said that the director had already put that friend in as the replacement and she wasn’t going to replace the other one! It turns out that girl already knew she had the part and encouraged me to ask for the part anyway. At this point, I’m already crushed because I got my hopes up. The next day, she put me as part of the native HAWAIIAN waitstaff. I know that you guys don’t know this, but I am a paper white blonde of Irish decent, so I just thought it was really weird that they cast me as a native hawaiian. The choreographer made the argument that since I can dance, I could help the others with the Polynesian dancing as well. This just makes me extremely uncomfortable, because I definitely feel like my dancing as this part will be culturally appropriating in a sense. This isn’t the thing that bothers me the most though. In the show, there is a character named Mahi, who is of Asian decent. MY DIRECTER CAST A CAUCASIAN ACTOR WHO CAN’T REALLY EVEN SING THE PART WELL INSTEAD OF THE ONE ASIAN GIRL WHO CAN SING THE PART MUCH BETTER ANYWAYS. It’s just infuriating, because it truly shows the favoritism going on, and that they don’t actually care about making beautiful art, they care about who they want to favor over everyone else. I’m just sucking it up because I’m mad at the director and the choreographer, but at least I get to sing and act and dance, and make beautiful art for myself which is what I value over everything. I love theatre, but I sometimes can’t handle the way the business goes. I’ve never been the most naturally talented, and I work really hard for the parts that I do get to play. It’s shocking to me now that I even care about this, because when I was younger, it was never about the part that I played, it was about the art I got to make. It made me feel so good when I just got to leave myself behind and take on a completely different character, no matter how important the character was. I lived for reading books and plays because it was the only thing that let me escape my life and just dream about things other than what I could see or believe. I’m just so frustrated that this show can’t be about that, and instead it’s about the politics of the thing. The only thing that has helped me keep sane is looking into my theatre journal, and reading what I’ve written over the years. In the journal, I write things that inspire me in everyday life, I write about performances that have changed me in some way, and I write about how I feel after I know I’ve done something that I’m proud of.

I hope this little rant can help someone else in a frustrating situation, because issues like this can make you feel so alone and crazy. Thanks for reading! ❤

Love, N

Dramatic: Our Town – Thornton Wilder

Emily: (softly, more in wonder than in grief) I can’t bear it. They’re so young and beautiful. Why did they ever have to get old? Mama, I’m here. I’m grown up. I love you all, everything. – I cant look at everything hard enough. (pause, talking to her mother who does not hear her. She speaks with mounting urgency) Oh, Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really saw me. Mama, fourteen years have gone by. I’m dead. You’re a grandmother, Mama. I married George Gibbs, Mama. Wally’s dead, too. Mama, his appendix burst on a camping trip to North Conway. We felt just terrible about it – don’t you remember? But, just for a moment now we’re all together. Mama, just for a moment we’re happy. Let’s look at one another. (pause, looking desperate because she has received no answer. She speaks in a loud voice, forcing herself to not look at her mother) I can’t. I can’t go on. It goes so fast. We don’t have time to look at one another. (she breaks down sobbing, she looks around) I didn’t realize. All that was going on in life and we never noticed. Take me back – up the hill – to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look. Good-by, Good-by, world. Good-by, Grover’s Corners? Mama and Papa. Good-bye to clocks ticking? and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths? and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you’re too wonderful for anybody to realize you. (she asks abruptly through her tears) Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? – every, every minute? (she sighs) I’m ready to go back. I should have listened to you. That’s all human beings are! Just blind people.
Wilder, Thornton. Our Town Harper Publishing, 1957, pp.97-10

Dramatic: Brighton Beach Memoirs – Neil Simon

Nora: I can’t believe it. You mean it’s alright for you to leave us but it wasn’t alright for me to leave you? It was my future. Why couldn’t I have something to say about it? I need to be independent. So I have to give up the one chance I may never get again, is that it? I’m the one who has to pay for what you couldn’t do with your own life. I’m not judging you. I can’t even talk to you. I don’t exist to you. I have tried so hard to get close to you, but there was never any room. Whatever you had to give went to Daddy, and when he died, whatever was left you gave to Laurie… I have been jealous my whole life of Laurie because she was lucky enough to be born sick. I could never turn a light on in my room at night or read in bed because Laurie always needed her precious sleep. I could never have a friend over on the weekends because Laurie was always resting. I used to pray I’d get some terrible disease or get hit by a car so I’d have a leg all twisted and crippled and then once, maybe just once, I’d get to crawl into bed next to you on a cold rainy night and talk to you and hold you until I fell asleep in your arms…just once… If you knew me better, you’d see that this is exactly the kind of thing that’s likely to happen to…

Dramatic: A View From a Bridge – Arthur Miller

Catherine: It’s only that I—He was good to me, Rodolpho. You don’t know him; he was always the sweetest guy to me. Good. He razzes me all the time but he don’t mean it. I know. I would just feel ashamed if I made him sad. ‘Cause I always dreamt that when I got married he would be happy at the wedding, and laughin’—and now he’s—mad all the time and nasty— (She is weeping.) Tell him you’d live in Italy—just tell him, and maybe he would start to trust you a little, see? Because I want him to be happy; I mean—I like him, Rodolpho—and I can’t stand it! […] If I was a wife I would make a man happy instead of goin’ at him all the time. I can tell a block away when he’s blue in his mind and just wants to talk to somebody quiet and nice… I can tell when he’s hungry or wants a beer before he even says anything. I know when his feet hurt him, I mean I know him and now I’m supposed to turn around and make a stranger out of him? I don’t know why I have to do that, I mean.
Miller, Arthur. A View from the Bridge, Bloomsbury, 2010, p 55.

Newbie Blog Tag

Since I’m brand new to blogging, I thought it would be fun to do a little “get to know you” tag!
Zodiac sign

Cusp of Sagittarius and Capricorn – December 22

3 fears

Moths and drowning

3 things I love

Music, my family, and drawing

My best friend

Is not my best friend anymore

Last song I listened to

Barbra Streisand, Beau Soir

3 Turn ons

Funny, kind, and passionate people

3 Turn offs

Ignorant people, narcissism, and people who use other people to get ahead

How many tattoos/piercings do I have

I have two ear piercings and no tattoos, although I do want to get tattoos when I’m old enough

The reason I started blogging

I really enjoy writing and theatre, so I figured it would be a good opportunity to practice my skills in both and document my journey. It’s really for me but if people decide they like it or it helps them than cool.

How I feel right now

Well I’m at school so I feel as good as I can feel at school lol.

Something I really really want

To be happy throughout my life and tell stories while doing it

My current relationship status

Super single

Meaning behind my URL

My initials + theatre bc this is about theatre. Duh.

My favorite movie

I love Titanic bc Leo is a snack. I also really like Baby Driver and I really liked Dunkirk.

My favorite song

Anything Barbra Streisand sings

My favorite band

I basically only listen to musicals but ig if I had to choose I would say The Pretty Reckless or Khalid or something

3 Things that upset me

Gun control laws in the US, when people treat other people poorly, and the sound of bones snapping (I literally can’t even watch an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where there’s broken bones)

3 Things that make me happy

THEATRE, love, and food. Especially pizza.

What I find attractive in other people

Put togetherness, humor, and talent

Someone I miss

My grandparents (they’re not dead they just live in New York)

Someone I love

My little bro 

My favorite holiday

CHRISTMAS!! My family isn’t even religious but I really really love Christmas carols and the whole season. And my birthday is three days before it so I’m sure that has something to do with it. 

My closest blogging friend

I don’t know anyone else who blogs.

Someone famous I’d date

Aaron Tveit/Leonardo DiCaprio

A confession

I love cheese and ice cream but I’m lactose intolerant but most of the time I suffer the consequences lol

3 Things that annoy me easily

God, where do I even start? Lol but seriously it’s when people chew with their mouths open. I get so irrationally mad at that.

My favourite animal

Horses. I grew up riding horses and even though I don’t get to ride nearly as much as I like I still hold a huge spot in my heart for them. 

My pets

I have a black lab named Marco and he’s literally an old Jewish man from New York.

One thing I’ve lied about

Uhhhh I lied to my brother that my grandma said to ask him to do the dishes but really she asked me. I’m a really fun sister to have lol.

Something that’s currently worrying me

College. And my IB exams next year.

An embarrassing moment

You mean every moment I’m alive? Haha. But seriously though. 

Where I work

I work for a catering company.

Something that’s constantly on my mind

How dry my lips are. 

3 Habits I have

Biting my nails, picking the split ends off my hair, and making everything messy the second I clean it

My future goals

I want to be involved in theatre. Maybe write about stuff. I don’t really know yet. 

Something I fantasize about

Winning a Tony

My favorite store

Free people probs

My favorite food


What I did yesterday

I slept most of the day because I had to recover from this wild gala that I volunteered at on Saturday night.

Something I’m talented at

Idk probably something I just haven’t found it yet

My idea of the perfect date

December 22 bc that’s my birthday

My celebrity crush


My favorite blog

Don’t have one yet.

Number of kids I want

If I have any probably 1.

One word that describes me


My favorite quote

I don’t think I have just one. Probably “I’m a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls” from Funny Girl.

There you have it, stuff about me. If you have any other questions you want to ask me, just leave a comment.

What is Savage/Love anyways?

So this week I got assigned a monologue by my IB theatre teacher at school and it’s from this play called Savage/Love by Sam Shepard. I’ve been trying so hard to do research on it but I guess it’s not a very well known play because there are like four helpful articles on the entire internet about it, AND there NOTHING, not even YouTube videos of people doing the monologe I was assigned. The monologue is called “How I Look to You”. I was pretty surprised that my teacher even gave me this specific monologue because it’s fairly suggestive in nature and NO ONE ELSE WAS GIVEN ONE LIKE THIS. *sigh.* I guess it could be kind of cool to stretch myself and see if I can do this. I have to perform it tomorrow so I guess we’ll see how it goes. I feel kind of artistically blocked right now and I don’t know what I can do with this piece to make it interesting. I really love Buried Child by Sam Shepard and I really enjoy this unit about Joseph Chaikin that we’re doing. One day I’ll have to post about him because he is a really cool dude not to mention he was actually like best buds with Sam. I love relationships between writers like that and like Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir because I love the idea of them writing about each other and getting inspiration from each other. Anyways here’s the monologue I was given:

How I Look To You

When I sit like this

Do you see me brave
Do I make a mystery for you 

When I put on a gaze
When I stretch my arms like this

Do you see me sensual
When I look relaxed 

Do you believe me

When I’m acting interested in your words
Do you believe I’m completely interested

Which presentation of myself

Makes you want to touch

What would make you cross the border?

The Skinner Releasing Technique: Low Flying Trapeze

This summer, I participated in a theatre intensive where there was a low flying trapeze class. We all liked it so much that the company made it a class for the fall season. Naturally, I was super excited because it was so fun in the summer and I signed up right away. The first class was last week, and this time they’re running it a little differently. This class focuses on not just climbing up onto the trapeze and the art of moving on the ropes, but now it’s focused more on a meditative practice  called the Skinner Releasing Technique (SRT). I LOVE this concept. Lately I’ve been trying to focus on letting go of stress and just being, and this really helps that dilemma. Basically, when you are born, your body is relaxed and graceful. As you grow older, stress allows your muscles to tense unnecessarily and your alignment gets messed up. SRT is the practice of letting go and letting those muscles relax. It allows you to rediscover your natural alignment and improve upon your physical health and overall wellbeing. This is a very powerful tool to have, especially as an artist. One of the main focuses of the class is balancing your body weight over the bar so you don’t fall off and relaxing muscles that you normally would be too scared to relax and breathing through that pain. It’s really interesting, and ultimately, really relaxing. When you finally do release the muscles needed to go into a certain hang or position it feels so good. During the class, in between the trapeze stuff, we do some guided meditation, which I’ve also been a huge fan of lately. As an IB student, an actor, and a teenager, I’m really busy and really stressed all of the time. This has really helped me with the stress during the week and getting into the “second circle” (which if you didn’t know it’s a very alert state of being that is helpful for performers). If you haven’t read Patsy Rodenburg’s “Second Circle”, I highly recommend it for any aspiring actor. I’ll probably post about it more in depth soon, because it’s one of my most favorite books ever, and it’s been extremely helpful for finding my process. Anything that helps me get into this state of being is awesome, and SRT is definitely one of those things. Here’s some more information about SRT if you want some in depth discussion about it.

A blurry pic in a hang yesterday.  This is unfortunately the only pic of me on a trapeze lol. Maybe one day I will actually get a pic of me on the traps online 😂😂😂.

The blisters on my hands from trapeze: